The Teleportation Accident by Ned Beauman

     For Egon Loeser, life would be perfect if only he could have sex with the girl of his dreams, Ms. Adele Hitler.  But Loeser lives in Berlin in the 1930s, and the social scene just isn't what it used to be.  Nowadays, everyone is preoccupied with Nazis and global politics, but all Loeser wants to do is enjoy himself, preferable with Adele and few lines of coke.  But Adele is hardly interested in a self-indulgent, cynical misanthrope like Egon Loeser (it's no coincidence that his name is one letter away from "loser"), so she doesn't even send her admirer so much as a goodbye postcard when she moves to Paris.  But for Loeser, Adele is one of only two sources of momentum in his life, so he follows his heart to Paris in search of his dream girl, which is where a whole other series of adventures begins for our reluctant hero.

     The second source of momentum in Loeser's life is a legend - well, maybe it's a legend.  Maybe the story is true.  To Loeser, the infamous legend of Lavicini's teleportation machine is anything but.  In fact, Loeser is just as determined to solve the mystery of Lavicini's legacy as he is to find Adele.  And when the two intersect, things take a sharp and entertaining turn toward absurdity.  Written as part science fiction, part mystery, part historical fiction, and part comedy, The Teleportation Accident follows Loeser as he embarks on a lifelong journey of adventure, farce, and mishaps in search of good sex and teleportation.

     Ned Beauman's Man Booker Prize nominated novel is unlike anything I've ever encountered.  It's like a crazy Mary Poppins grab bag of discussion points and plot devices.  One minute you're reading about Loeser's opinion of artists and writers such as Dada, Brecht, and Hemingway, and the next moment you're following him up and down the streets of Hollywood in search of the perfect "American hamburger sandwich."  But it's also a novel about war, politics, Hollywood, theatre, film, religion, communism, travel, sex, paranoia, and public transportation (among other things).  By all counts, The Teleportation Accident should be pure chaos, but somehow everything comes together in the end.  Well, I guess I should say "ends," considering that the book contains four alternate/simultaneous/interchangeable endings.  I know.  It sounds crazy and disordered, but as they say, there is order in chaos.  Or else Ned Beauman has us all happily fooled!

     The Teleportation Accident is fresh, funny, and smart.  The prose is witty, the storyline is absurd but fitting, and the historical aspects are well-researched and flavorful.  And, it's possibly the most hilariously quotable books of the year.  Here are a few of my favorite "Loeserisms" :

• "There was no flat surface near by so they just sniffed the coke off the sides of their hands and then licked up the residue.  One of the great skills of Berlin social life was to make this awkward self-nuzzling into an elegant gesture; Loeser knew he resembled a schoolboy trying to teach himself cunnilingus." (p. 26)  

•  "To be that nice all the time, thought Loeser, just didn't make sense.  It was inhuman, illogical, saccahrine, and cowardly.  You couldn't truly love anything if you didn't hate at least something.  Indeed, perhaps you couldn't truly love anything if you didn't hate almost everything." (p.29) 

•  "Loeser's parents had died in a car crash, and ever since he had hated cars.  He had never learned to drive, and he refused even to be a passenger in a private vehicle.  Taxis were all right because a taxi was essentially a very specific bus.  And trains were relaxing.  But trams were best." (p. 61)

• "He had always hated that period towards the end of a meal when long gaps opened up between utterances: there was something repulsive and undignified about that shared awareness of the human animal's basic inability to think and digest at the same time." (p. 143)

This review was simultaneously published on BookerMarks on 8/11/12

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Unholy Night by Seth Grahame-Smith

     In Seth Grahame-Smith's newest novel, we are introduced to an alternate version of the story of Jesus's birth - and it might make you think twice the next time you see a nativity scene.  In fact, Grahame-Smith's version is anything but peaceful and calm, as the old Chirstmas carol "Silent Night" suggests.  It's violent, bloody, and gruesome.  This shouldn't come as much of a surprise to readers, though.  After all, we knew King Herod was murdering babies left and right, but we didn't have such graphic, detailed passages to really set the scene.

     Unholy Night retells the ancient story from the perspective of Balthazar, better known as one of the wise men who visited Baby Jesus shortly after his birth to shower him with gifts.  But what if their meeting was accidental?  What if Balthazar and the other two wise men were really thieves, escaping the wrath of Herod the same way Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus were escaping?  What if these thieves stole the clothes of noblemen and stumbled upon a breastfeeding Mary and terrified Joseph and soon realized that they shared the same enemy?  But what if, along the way, Balthazar realizes that, even though he is not a religious man, there could be some truth to the great prophecy - the very same prophecy that has prompted Herod to KILL ALL THE BABIES!!??

     Such is the storyline that Seth Grahame-Smith pursues in Unholy Night.   In the same tradition of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, the author spices up a well known story with violence, gore, and terror.  But really....is it that far off?  I mean, we all know that Herod was a horrible person.  He killed members of his own family for goodness sake!  He was paranoid, mentally disturbed, and likely suffering from some sort of disfiguring physical ailment.  Seth Grahame-Smith calls it leprosy, wikipedia says it was likely scabies.  Either way, it's super gross considering how much unprotected sex Herod indulged in. 

     This book is like Mortal Kombat meets the Bible.  When Balthazar realizes why Herod is killing a bunch of infants, he is infuriated and vows to stop him, which is how he ends up protecting Baby Jesus.  Plus, as Balthazar says, "there's something about that baby," and he's right.  The child seems to have some sort of protective force surrounding it.  Miracle after miracle occurs before Balthazar realizes that, perhaps in the interest of revenge, it's best to stay under this baby's cloud of protection, which is good because there IS a zombie scene.  How could there not be?

     Unholy Night is daring and controversial, but I don't believe it is blasphemous as some have suggested.  It's basically the same story, but the wise men have different motives.  Balthazar may be a ruthless, untouchable warrior, but he has his own story to tell, which is basically the whole reason Seth Grahame-Smith writes books.  We know so little about history's supporting roles, but sometimes the side characters can be just as interesting as the stars.  We all regurgitate the same version of history generation after generation, but we have to remember...there's more than one side to a story.  And Seth Grahame-Smith's side might not always be that accurate, but it's entertaining, creative, and even thought-provoking.

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Favorite Fiction: Francesca Lia Block

Those of you who follow Hooked Bookworm know how much I adore and respect Francesca Lia Block.  I read Weetzie Bat in high school (and about 10 more times since then) and was immediately enchanted by the colorful characters, the magical setting, and the sparkling, unforgettable story.  Block primarily writes YA fiction, but thematically, her books are timeless - she has a gift for revealing universal truths through unique, one-of-a-kind characters.  With dozens of publications under her belt, I have not been able to read everything by Ms. Block (yet!), but here are a few favorites:

The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker

     Karen Thompson Walker's debut novel is narrated by Julia, who is only 11 years old when "the slowing" begins.  She recalls the ordinary Saturday in southern California when news stations announced that the Earth was slowing at an alarmingly fast rate.  Eventually, days expand to more than 70 hours, which sets off a chain of unimaginable ecological and environmental consequences.  Birds can no longer fly, marine life can no longer depend on natural ocean currents, and temperatures range from extreme heat to extreme cold across the span of a single day.

     While some believe "the slowing" to be a natural part of the Earth's patterns, others predict a fiery apocalypse.  Yet in the midst of panic, paranoia, and chaos, Julia and her family try to maintain some semblance of normalcy - birthdays and anniversaries are still celebrated, school is still in session, and people still go to work and run errands.  And for Julia, "the slowing" does not affect the onset of puberty and her first crush.

     The Age of Miracles is not just a coming-of-age novel.  It's about the way people cope with disasters, and how our modern culture is frighteningly dependent on predictable patterns and routines.  If these constants dissolve, does civilization also disintegrate?  How do we maintain motivation, positivity, and ambition if fundamental truths are shattered?  And how do we arrange our priorities in the midst of chaos and disaster?  Such are the questions explored through Julia's narrative as she and her family experience a suspension of time, yet also a new sense of urgency.

      The Age of Miracles emits feelings of perpetual summer - a sense of wonder, possibilities, and a strange numbness to danger and threats.  The world is literally stopping and the ecosystem is collapsing, yet many people still go to work, school, soccer practice, and piano lessons.  The human ability to cope with change can be quite powerful when it needs to be.  And while some people in the novel adapt better than others, The Age of Miracles showcases the mental and emotional aspects of natural selection on large-scale proportions.  While some characters' ties to sanity quickly unravel, others prepare for the worst but remain in forward motion.

     This novel is a poetically written and poignant portrayal of the ways we respond to crises.  And whether we endure global or personal disaster, our greatest fear is not that we will perish, but that our stories and experiences will not retain the permanence and importance that we ascribe to them.  We have a strong desire to leave a legacy, and Karen Thompson Walker's novel expertly explores this universal and fundamental instinct.  The Age of Miracles will be released on 6/26/12

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith

   If you ask most people about Abraham Lincoln, they'll tell you he was the tall, honest, 16th president of the United States who issued the Emancipation Proclamation.  Historians won't tell you the dark, gruesome truth - that our beloved Abe spent most of his life hunting down and destroying VAMPIRES!!

   Unbeknownst to most, the Lincoln family had been tormented by vampires for generations, and wouldn't you know it...vampires were behind that whole slavery thing, too!  So Abe did what any good citizen would do - teamed up with a traitor vampire named Henry, had a few drinks with Edgar Allan Poe and set off to destroy ALL THE VAMPIRES.  He maintained a modest political career on the side, but mostly, he hunted and killed vampires.  The more you know...

   I read this novel aloud to my husband (upon his request) and we were quite entertained.  He referred to the book as "historical science fiction," which is a pretty accurate way to describe the novel.  It is ridiculous and absurd, but most of the biographical events depicted of Lincoln's life are factual.  Is this a genius way of tricking people into reading history books?  Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter may not be entering the literary canon anytime soon, but it's fun, and hilarious, and super nerdy.

   Abraham Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth on April 14, 1865.  He died on April 15.  As we approach the 147th anniversary of Lincoln's assassination some seven score and seven years ago, we remember the man who fought for values, union, and freedom - freedom from VAMPIRES, that is.

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